My dad is getting remarried this summer after having an affair with his now fiancée and leaving my mum after 30 years of marriage. This affair has caused so many problems over the past couple of years, as his fiancée was a good friend of my mum and it’s divided their whole friendship group.
My mum was shocked and devastated, and is still very angry with them both. The divorce was not amicable, and my mum still won’t speak to my dad directly. If she needs to get a message to him, she’ll do it via me or my older sister.
It’s been awful to see her shed so many tears over this – she’s been so hurt. She’d been friends with this woman for longer than she’d known my dad. The problem now is that my dad is pressuring me to be at his wedding and I don’t want to go. Apparently, lots of people have declined because of how he and his fiancée treated my mum.
My sister, who lives in Canada with her partner and baby, has already told him she won’t be there.
I’ve known his fiancée all my life and always loved her – she was one of my mum’s nicest and most fun friends and was like an auntie to me and my sister. I can’t comprehend how she could betray us like this. I’d love your advice on the wedding.
This must have been awful and shocking for your mum. It’s bad enough when a partner has an affair with someone you don’t know, but this is a double betrayal by two of the people she loved and trusted most in the world.
And, as you point out, the ripple effects are ongoing, affecting lifelong friendships as well as family relationships. So, the fact that you (and lots of others by the sounds of it) don’t want to attend the wedding is the price your dad and his fiancée are going to have to pay for their affair.
In my opinion, the decent thing to do would be to go off somewhere and get married quietly, not make a huge fuss and invite the world and his wife! I think your dad is being selfish, putting you under pressure. He’s probably in a little love bubble with his fiancée and they’re only thinking about themselves. It happens, but he needs to be careful about who’ll still be around when the love bubble bursts and he wants to reconnect with everyone.
Perhaps say something along the lines of, “Dad, I’m happy you’re getting married if that’s what you want. However, I’ve seen mum heartbroken over this, so I can’t be at your wedding as it would upset her”.
You could suggest seeing him before the wedding or after, but not on the day. He should respect your feelings.
Just keep in mind, we can’t know everything that goes on in relationships. Maybe you’ll have a conversation with your dad at some point that will help you understand his choices.
